Grief and Loss

Grief and Loss Process

What is Grief?

Grief occurs in response to the loss of someone or something. The loss may involve a loved one, a job, or possibly a role (student entering the workplace or employee entering retirement).

Anyone can experience grief and loss. It can be sudden or expected; however, individuals are unique in how they experience this event. Grief, itself, is a normal and natural response to loss.

There are a variety of ways that individuals respond to loss. Some are healthy coping mechanisms and some may hinder the grieving process. It is important to realize that acknowledging the grief promotes the healing process.

Time and support facilitate the grieving process, allowing an opportunity to appropriately mourn this loss.

Common Reactions to Loss:

Individuals experiencing grief from a loss may choose a variety of ways of expressing it. No two people will respond to the same loss in the same way. It is important to note that phases of grief exist; however, they do not depict a specific way to respond to loss. Rather, stages of grief reflect a variety of reactions that may surface as an individual makes sense of how this loss affects them. Experiencing and accepting all feelings remains an important part of the healing process.

Relating to Grief and Loss: We are all uniquely different and deal with grief in different ways. The above stages are meant to offer a helpful template, a map to help guide us though what can be an uncomfortable and difficult journey.

Hopefully, understanding that there are some general things we have in common can help us the next time we have a loss. We can find it easier to deal with emotions if they aren't a surprise and easier to express those emotions if we know others feel them, too.

FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF AND LOSS

These “stages” may not happen in any one sequence. There is no right or wrong way to experience and grieve loss; it is all unique to the individual.


These stages are:

  1. Denial and isolation - 'No, not me, it cannot be true.'
  2. Anger - 'Why me?'
  3. Bargaining - 'Yes me … but …'
  4. Depression - 'Yes me.'
  5. Acceptance - 'It's okay.'

Denial, numbness, and shock Being in denial is normal reaction to an immediate loss and should not be confused with "lack of caring". This serves to protect the individual from experiencing the intensity of the loss.

Usually our first reaction to the loss of something we're attached to.

~ Numbness is a reaction to the loss of something we're attached to, denial and disbelief will diminish as the individual slowly acknowledges the impact of this loss and accompanying feelings.

Anger
This stage of grief is probably the cause of the most pain from grief. Anger can cause deep and sometimes permanent wounds that are totally unnecessary.

This reaction usually occurs when an individual feels helpless and powerless.
Anger may result from feeling abandoned, occurring in cases of loss through death. Feelings of resentment may occur toward one’s higher power or toward life in general for the injustice of this loss.

Bargaining
This is an often misunderstood therefore insidious kind of grief behavior as Denial. It's where we try to make deals to gain back what we lost. At times, individuals may ruminate, going over and over in their mind, about what they could have been done to prevent the loss.

Individuals can become preoccupied about ways that things could have been better, imagining all the things that will never be. This reaction can provide insight into the impact of the loss; however, if not properly resolved, intense feelings of remorse or guilt may hinder the healing process.

Guilt may be another feeling we have, we can feel guilty when we laugh or enjoy something because the one we lost isn't there. We can feel “survivor’s” guilt; those that are familiar with the death of Anna Nicole Smith’s son illustrate how guilt can overwhelm the Grief and Loss process.

After an individual acknowledges anger, guilt may surface due to expressing these negative feelings. Again, these feelings are natural and should be honored to resolve the grief.

Depression This is the most dangerous stage of grief. Everyone goes through depression before they can heal from a major loss. The closer the attachment, the deeper and longer the depression will be. A Client remembers: “I remember being depressed for about 2 months after the loss of a job. I still ate and everything, but I was definitely uninterested in most any aspect of life...just wanted to give up.”

After recognizing the true extent of the loss, some individuals may experience depressive symptoms.

  • Sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy and concentration, and crying spells are some typical symptoms.

  • Feelings of loneliness, emptiness, isolation, and self-pity can also surface during this phase, contributing to this reactive depression.

For many, this phase must be experienced in order to begin reorganizing one’s life.

Acceptance Often acceptance, and forgives come upon us as Grace. It's a decision to be at peace with the way things are. We “accept” and deeply know that no amount of denial, bargaining, anger or depression is going to recover our loss. We begin to accept that loss is part of life. It's not good or bad...just how it is. So we decide to go on, to find joy in our lives and to bring joy to the lives of others. The noblest sign of acceptance I've seen is when a grieving person authentically and realistically transcends this great loss and instead uses it as motivation to try to make the lives around him less empty. When the time is ready the healing is profound and comforting. Again this process is unique to each of us, we can not predict or set our clock by it, but understood as a natural and organic process we can get through it.

Time allows the individual an opportunity to resolve the range of feelings that surface. The grieving process supports the individual. That is, healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated into the individual’s set of life experiences.

  • Allows for empathy and reparation.
  • Individuals may return to some of the earlier feelings throughout one’s lifetime.
  • There is no time limit to the grieving process. Each individual should define one’s own healing process.

We all experience our grief and loss in Unique and individual ways. Factors that may hinder the healing process:

  • Avoidance or minimization of one’s emotions.
  • Use of alcohol or drugs to self-medicate.
  • Use of work (over function at workplace) to avoid feelings.

Guidelines that may help resolve grief

  • Allow time to experience thoughts and feelings openly to self.
  • Acknowledge and accept all feelings, both positive and negative.
  • Use a journal to document the healing process.
  • Confide in a trusted individual; tell the story of the loss.
  • Express feelings openly. Crying offers a release.

    • Identify any unfinished business and try to come to a resolution.
    • Bereavement groups provide an opportunity to share grief with others who have experienced similar loss.
    • If the healing process becomes too overwhelming, seek professional help.